boys

i'm in high school
so apparently i don't know the first thing about 'love.' If I don't, why is it that I can't really be with a guy and be happy, except for one. There's so much more I could say about him. he can be such a freaking jerk to me but he does it for the right reason. it motivates me to do what i should do in the first place but am too afraid to or too stupid or too stubborn to do. he knows everything about me. he knows the way I argue, the way I fight the way, the ways i manipulate. he's the one i call and think of in my worst moments and when i'm sobbing or scared shitless of what's about to happen. he's the one guy i can wait with, the one guy i can say a complete lie and he knows i don't mean it. he knows the way i feel about him too, but i hardly ever say it. i think he knew before i ever first said it to him. i think about him when i'm with other guys. he knows what i'm most insecure about and most defensive of. he's one of the very few persons who can get me to do something i don't want to do when it's the right thing to do. none of my rules with my body apply for him. he's the only guy that can still make me quiver and yet feel as if i was the most confident person alive. he makes me feel attractive in my most ugliest of moments. he also has a girlfriend.
so.


then there's this guy that thought i was in a relationship and exclusive with. i wasn't. i didn't know. i mean i asked and hinted towards being in a relationship and he completely rejected me, so what else was i supposed to think?...so he thought we were together and what do i do? i ended up hooking up [making out] with a different guy. and telling the first cuz i was upset with him still and i wanted to make him jealous. i didn't know hefelt that way he made it seem as if the complete opposite was going on. so we fought and fought and fought and now we aren't talking. i miss him a lot though...




right now, i don't know what i want with guys. i don't know if i want my f.w.b. back (or him to be my boyfriend) or a boyfriend or just a boy toy...i don't know if i should get into a relationship...i'm fairly stressed out as is so i don't think it'd be too much of a good idea, there's really no way that it'd end well...hahahaha. so for now i'm not looking for anything and i'm not holding myself back, i geuss i just need to let myself 'be.' you know?