midterms!

1 - ap art [critique]
2 - precalc h [i think i aced it]
3 - french [eehhh]
4 - none
5 - law [mock trial/test which i think i aced]
6 - film and society [test]
7 - physics [test]
8 - physics [nada]
9 - freeeee

Oumou Diallo

I'm sponsoring a child, named Oumou Diallo. She's [I believe, I forgot] is 3 years old and lives in Africa. I'm donating $24 a month to her so she can have a better future. I plan to visit A.S.A.P. in order to meet and do more good for her. I don't believe in just giving money. Then the child's a charity. I believe in donating both time and money. Therefore I am going to visit.
I've wanted to sponsor a child since I was in kindegarten and saw all the feed the children commercials early in the morning. Now i'm doing so. I'm happy that I'm doing this.

life-saver

I apparently saved someone's life. Isn't that what I wanted to do with my life? Save others? Well, I did, but it didn't give me the affect I thought it would. I geuss it wasn't enough. Basically, one of my friends got ridiculously drunk was banging his head on my dashboard, his muscles were limp and i wasn't driving fast, and he wasn't waking up and he started puking, not in my car or on me though. So I drove him back to his house and got his mom and called the cops. and asked for an ambulance. i told them everything I knew, buddy-ed up with the cops, and left.

Causes I want to significantly help before I die:
alcohol abuse
drug abuse
child abuse
unequal opportunities in education
poverty
AIDs
disease and violence in 3rd world countries
gang violence
cliques in schools
school violence
sexual harassment and abuse
ignorance [if that's possible!]
genocides and ethnic violence
injustice
abuse of constitutional rights in the U.S.

that's a lot...i'm insane...

boys

i'm in high school
so apparently i don't know the first thing about 'love.' If I don't, why is it that I can't really be with a guy and be happy, except for one. There's so much more I could say about him. he can be such a freaking jerk to me but he does it for the right reason. it motivates me to do what i should do in the first place but am too afraid to or too stupid or too stubborn to do. he knows everything about me. he knows the way I argue, the way I fight the way, the ways i manipulate. he's the one i call and think of in my worst moments and when i'm sobbing or scared shitless of what's about to happen. he's the one guy i can wait with, the one guy i can say a complete lie and he knows i don't mean it. he knows the way i feel about him too, but i hardly ever say it. i think he knew before i ever first said it to him. i think about him when i'm with other guys. he knows what i'm most insecure about and most defensive of. he's one of the very few persons who can get me to do something i don't want to do when it's the right thing to do. none of my rules with my body apply for him. he's the only guy that can still make me quiver and yet feel as if i was the most confident person alive. he makes me feel attractive in my most ugliest of moments. he also has a girlfriend.
so.


then there's this guy that thought i was in a relationship and exclusive with. i wasn't. i didn't know. i mean i asked and hinted towards being in a relationship and he completely rejected me, so what else was i supposed to think?...so he thought we were together and what do i do? i ended up hooking up [making out] with a different guy. and telling the first cuz i was upset with him still and i wanted to make him jealous. i didn't know hefelt that way he made it seem as if the complete opposite was going on. so we fought and fought and fought and now we aren't talking. i miss him a lot though...




right now, i don't know what i want with guys. i don't know if i want my f.w.b. back (or him to be my boyfriend) or a boyfriend or just a boy toy...i don't know if i should get into a relationship...i'm fairly stressed out as is so i don't think it'd be too much of a good idea, there's really no way that it'd end well...hahahaha. so for now i'm not looking for anything and i'm not holding myself back, i geuss i just need to let myself 'be.' you know?

complaining, pain and suffering

Ok so people get hurt, people suffer and are pained.

"get our ur feelings about how people suck!

the most annoying thing ever after going through hell from treatment and cancer and everything is when people complain that "their lives suck and their life is the worst" or "papercut, omg this hurts so much, ugh im in so much pain!" toughen up wussys!"

that was on facebook.
personally. wah. stop complaining yourself.
See, my feeling, is that if we did toughen up, cuz we're such wussy's, us and we being those untouched by cancer and by untouched i mean never ever a victim or patient of cancer, then what wouldn't we be able to enjoy? We'd feel that everything and anything can lead to insufferable pain and death and anxiety and depression and hurting and AHHH, so why on earth would you want others to go through that?... That's an immense amount of stress!

i don't know.
personally, I feel that we shouldn't be complaining about complaining and complaining about other people not knowing the pain and suffering of others.

suicide and enemies

So one of my friends IMed me last night and talked to me for seven hours about committing suicide. Specifically, committing suicide at 4:20am, so that he could die while worshipping weed, and using either pills or a razor. He lives on an island. I can't really do anything but contact others on that island and get them to physically stop him and stay with him for a while. Yes, I could call the cops, but they might accelerate the situation and make it worse. So, I contacted four people. One of them doesn't live on the island. Two of the people, who both live on the island hate me, hate being an understatement. So the first one to contact the suicidal friend is one of those two people who hate me. She had to go to bed and couldn't do anything, she didn't really trust that he was in immediate danger. I still do. The second person that contacted me back was the one person who didn't hate me and lives on the island. She's going to talk to the suicidal friend today with another one of their friends. She tried to last night but her mom heard her and thought she was running away from home. So then the next person to contact me back was the one person who didn't live on the island that's one of my best friends, she's freaking out as well. The last person to contact me is the other person who hate me and lives on the island. He flips out at me and calls me all these curses...here's the conversation:
By the Way -- kid 1 = suicidal friend, kid 2 = guy who hates me who lives on island that i'm having the conversation wtih, kid 3 = girl who hates me who lives on island, kid 4 = girl who lives on island who doesn't hate me

[22:06:34] ME: (KID 1)'s telling me he's giong to kill himself at 4:20 AM this morning
[22:06:35] *** Auto-response from (KID 2): Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[22:12:16] *** You have been disconnected. Sat Jan 06 22:12:16 2007.
[22:13:49] *** You have been disconnected. Sat Jan 06 22:13:49 2007.
[22:14:33] *** "(KID 2)" signed on at Sat Jan 06 22:14:33 2007.
[06:45:39] (KID 2): Ya probably because ur talking 2 him
[06:45:39] *** Auto-response sent to (KID 2): who the hell called @ 1:30am?
[06:45:39] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
[06:49:00] ME: no (KID 2) he told (KID 4) and (KID 3) the same thing
[06:50:41] (KID 2): Ya ok. Fuck u. I know that kid better than that
[06:54:28] ME: yeah i know you do but he talked to me for 7 hours about it
[06:57:07] ME: i can send you the entire conversation on facebook
[06:57:09] ME: and i will
[06:59:30] ME: don't bullshit wtih me i'm scared about (KID 1) go and fucking do something
[06:59:35] (KID 1): Ur so full of shit u dumb bitch. Stop fucking sending me messages
[07:00:34] (KID 2): Go fuck urself u ocd cunt
[07:00:38] ME: I'M SO FULL OF SHIT THAT I SENT THE ENTIRE FUCKING CONVERSATION TO YOU I'M NOT FUCKING MAKING THIS SHIT UP WHY THE FUCK WOULD I? I DON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL, IN FACT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU AND I WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU DIED BUT (KID 1) I DO CARE ABOUT
[07:00:43] ME: SO FUCKING DO SOMETHING
[07:04:06] ME: [16:13:39] (KID 1): i wanna killl them
[16:13:45] (KID 1): i want to just fucking walk out the door
[16:14:12] ME: don't
[16:14:29] (KID 1): why not
[16:14:35] (KID 1): im going to kill myself if i dont
[16:15:46] ME: don't do that either
[07:04:22] ME: (KID 1): only my dad
(KID 1): hes not letting me go out
ME: it's fine
(KID 1): no its not
(KID 1): ill kill myself
ME: don't
ME: it's not worth it
(KID 1): how do you know
(KID 1): it seems like it is right now
[07:04:30] ME: (KID 1): im dead
ME: (KID 1)
ME: stop ittt
(KID 1): i cant
(KID 1): i have a razor blaze in my pocket
(KID 1): should i cut my wrist
(KID 1): or take pills
[07:04:39] ME: (KID 1): my life is soo bad when its like this
ME: calm down
(KID 1): i cant
[07:04:55] ME: ME: my bio-aunt committed suicide
ME: she hurt everyone around her.
ME: no it's not
(KID 1): thats what you do you want to hurt everyone aroun dyou and make sure people know
ME: no it's not
(KID 1): ya
(KID 1): i would want my mom and dad to know i killed myself because of them and because they were dicks to me and wouldnt let me out
[07:05:00] ME: NOW DO YOU FUCKING GET IT (KID 2)
[07:05:03] ME: DO YOU FUCKING GET IT
[07:05:04] (KID 2): fuck u. Go talk 2 someone else about ur bull shit
[07:05:27] ME: (KID 2) NO ONE ELSE WHO'S ON THAT FUCKING ISLAND IS ON I AM FUCKING SCARED ABOUT (KID 1)
[07:05:31] ME: GO AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING
[07:05:36] ME: (KID 1): death bed
ME: aww
(KID 1): mom
ME: see
ME: **
ME: you didn't do it
(KID 1): yes i am going to
(KID 1): im wating till 420 in the morning
[07:05:49] ME: ME: don't do it.
(KID 1): becuas i thoguth id die and worship weed while i die
ME: it's not worth ittttt
(KID 1): you woudlnt know
ME: why would'nt I know?
(KID 1): i have talked to other poeple about this tonight
(KID 1): they all say that
(KID 1): fuck them
(KID 1): life istn worth it
[07:06:01] ME: ME: life is worth it
ME: stop it (KID 1)
ME: i had a horrible night out cuz i kept worrying about you
ME: (KID 1)???
(KID 1): you went out?
(KID 1): oh becaus eyou did and i didnt
(KID 1): oh now im dead
ME: (KID 1)
ME: stop it
ME: please?
ME: i'm really worried about you
ME: i'm telling (KID 3) and (KID 2) what's going on
(KID 1): no your not
ME: already did
(KID 1): ill kill you to if you tell them
(KID 1): how?
ME: IM
ME: (KID 3)'s on
ME: and i texted (KID 2)
[07:06:13] ME: ME: are you there
ME: (KID 1)
ME: smith
(KID 1): exactly 3 more hours
*** Auto-response sent to (KID 1): & they say she's gone in 60 seconds.

(KID 1): and counting
ME: (KID 1)
ME: SMITH
ME: STOP IT NOW
[07:06:41] ME: [22:49:08] (KID 3): yeah didnt answer.
[22:49:14] ME: ;wtf
[22:49:20] ME: and his away message is driving me insane
[22:49:23] ME: are you on BI
[22:49:43] ME: call everyone else that's on island & get to (KID 1)'s house

[22:50:27] (KID 3): can you Call me please i gotta get off line.
[07:06:54] ME: [22:23:07] (KID 3): can i cal u,
[22:23:13] ME: can't
[22:23:14] ME: i'm at home
[22:23:36] ME: idk why he would tell me
[22:23:39] ME: i geuss cuz i can't do anything
[22:24:18] (KID 3): ight. im calhng (KID 1) he wnt respnd. ir he respndng 2 u'
[22:24:28] ME: nope
[22:24:32] ME:
(KID 1): exactly 3 more hours
[22:24:37] ME:
(KID 1): and counting
[22:24:40] ME: he just said that to me
[22:25:08] (KID 3): brb
[07:07:17] ME: DO YOU FUCKING GET IT NOW
[07:07:20] ME: DO YOU FUCKING GET IT

[07:07:32] (KID 2): SHUT THE FUCK UP UGLY DIKE
[07:07:54] me: (KID 2) FUCKING DO SOMETHING GO AND MAKE SURE (KID 1) IS FUCKING OK

so that's the conversation.
life's crazy.
take people seriously. that's the moral of this story.

freedom writers.

i don't know what it is, but everytime i see the trailer for that movie i start sobbing. well not sobbing but i get really emotional and i start crying. i want that so bad. i want to be a teacher so badly i'm breaking into tears now. ferrarone [resource teacher] once tried to manipulate my schedule so i didn't have my internship
i left the room and went to the bathroom and cried.
i want this and i want it bad. i want to be the teacher kids cry over not having year after year after year. the one that transformed their lives and got them eternally impacted their desicions, helping to take bad ones and make them good ones.
i love my students
so much.
they are my life.
each and every single one of them is so special and so unique. the body language of each one is INCREDIBLY different. there's only one that'll give me a look like "HELP" cuz she doesn't like to speak.

you'll see me in ten years
and i'll be teaching.
and you'll be like "but she was supposed to work backstage"
and i'll tell you how i gave that up to teach.
and you shouldn't be surprised.